How to ask for a friend

I have had a rough couple of weeks!!!  I guess it all began at the beginning of September with the death of Mr. Mark.  I knew that this would be a very difficult time but had no idea the toll it would take on me.  As I said in my previous blog, Mr. Mark was a father figure to me!  He lived 900 miles away so it was rare that I was able to spend time with him but now knowing that he is not there breaks my heart.  I think of how hurt I am then I realize that he actually had children that must be missing him more than I am.  He was an incredible man and I wish everyone would have had the opportunity to know him. 

School is another area where I have recently had some troubles.  I thought I definitely knew what I wanted my thesis to be about but my advisor really does not think it is a topic for a masters level proposal (she thinks it would be a better fit for my dissertation).  So, she gave me some suggestions and I am just really not interested in them.  They are ok but nothing that I am really excited about.  So that kind of sucks!

I think the thing that has me in the worst mood (maybe it is just on top of the other things) is WORK.  As many of you know I work in research at LSU for the Department of Anesthesiology.  My "job" is to recruit research and studies for the physicians in our department who want to participate in research.  The thing is that NOBODY WANTS TO DO RESEARCH!!!!!!  Quite a dilemma you say.  So I have been told directly by the Chairman of the Department to basically just do what I want.  WTF???  So...  I do school work, I stalk random people on Facebook (not in a weird, stalker way but in a I am bored and need to see what other people do kind of way), I talk to friends on gchat, read all 4 Twilight books (definitely an Edward fan), etc.  Most people would say this is an awesome job!!!  Not so much for me...  I have found that I need stimulation, I need to learn and most importantly, I need to do something constructive with my time.  I have thought about looking for another job but I so desperately want this to work out.  I am concerned that if I find another job, I will feel like I failed at developing a research department for Anesthesiology.  And I have a horrible fear of failure.

So yesterday in the middle of me crying hysterically and hiding from the people who mean the most to me, I decided that I needed a friend.  As wonderful as my bestie is, she is 900 miles away and I felt like I needed face-to-face girl time.  How do you tell someone that you need a friend?  Is it something that you just say, like "Hey, I need to go to the bathroom!"...  do you just say "Hey, I need a friend.".  Seems kind of strange and desperate to me so I chose to not do that even though I wished I would have.  I am sure that if I would have, my mood would have drastically improved but I just could not seem so...  desperate and lonely.  Thankfully my mood is better today but in the future I want to know how to say that I am having a hard day and I need a hug.  Suggestions please???  :)

Numb:  adj;  lacking sensation;  deprived of the power to feel normally

A little story most don't know: 
My parents divorced when I was around 4.  Joint custody was awarded and I spent all but every other weekend with my mother.  Two weekends a month I would spend with the man that is technically considered my father.  For the most part, I liked being at his house because there was a fairly endless supply of "step-siblings" that I could play with.  Each time he would get a divorce from the "step-mother of the year", my heart would break because once again, someone was being ripped out of my life.

My father was a terrible alcoholic and at the age of 16 I decided not to have any contact with him (I am finding out that there were other reasons, but I will not go into that here).  I have NEVER regretted my decision.  It is the reason I am who I am, and why I am where I am.  I strongly believe that I am the person I am today because of the decision I made when I was 16.  I have never looked back.  My mother and I did everything on our own and for this I am immensely proud.

I guess you are wondering what the point is to this story?  There have been 2 men in my life that I would consider "father figures".  I met my father-in-law in 1998 when Brandon and I started dating and loved the way he welcomed me into their family.  When Brandon and I got married, Mr. Mike did a daughter dance with me to a special song that only was special to us.  I had decided that even though I really did not have a father, Mr. Mike would probably be the closest thing that I had and I kind of liked it.  I felt safe.

I met Mark Taylor through Andi Taylor (my very bestest friend) approximately 3 years ago.  Mr. Mark was Andi's father.  Andi had gone to her parents house in Georgia after Mr. Mark received a diagnosis of Stage 4 Gastric Cancer and while she was there our friendship grew so strong that we both knew nothing would break it.  Little did I know that during the time when I would gain the most amazing friend ever, I would also develop a relationship with the only other man who I considered a father to me.  I have been attempting to write this blog for about 5 days now and have struggled with how to describe Mark Taylor and adequately say what he means to me and my family.

First Encounter:  Andi and I went to Atlanta for a job meeting and decided to go a few days early to spend time with her parents.  They picked us up from the airport and I received a hug from this bald teddy bear who I just knew I would love.  We went to Stone Mountain, rode the duck boats (we all quacked our quacker things like dorks) and finally ate at a restaurant because they had banjo's playing outside.  I felt welcomed, loved and truly like whatever I said, mattered to him.

Them moving to Louisiana was when I really became close to Mr. Mark and Mrs. Margaret and allowed my family to as well.  We tended to spend most Sundays at their house for dinner and Makenna would often take baths there so when we got home all she had to do was hop into bed.  I can not count how many times Makenna begged to sleep with "Mitta Mark" (in her best southern draw).  Realizing that Louisiana was not home, they decided to move to Florida with Andi to be closer to their son/ brother.  While I completely understood the reasoning, I was devastated.  Like I had when I was a child, I once again felt like everyone was leaving me.  It took me several months to finally realize and accept that they were not leaving me but going home.  Mr. Mark's illness took a turn for the worse when they moved (I kept telling him that they needed to move back  :)) and the cancer became more aggressive.  I had the opportunity to take several trips to Florida over the last year to see him but perhaps my most memorable trip was on August 30, 2010. 

Andi called me on August 30th to tell me that her father was declining and she thought I needed to be there.  After hopping on a plane, I arrived in Orlando 11 hours later.  People seemed shocked that I was there with such little planning but I knew what this man meant to me and my family.  He was the good father I never had...  he was another grandfather to Makenna and a truly respected and loved man to Brandon.  I was able to hug him and tell him how much I loved him.  I told him that I thought of him as a father and how grateful I was to Andi and Grant for sharing with me. 

I have never and will never have another "father figure" in my life because I truly believe the last 3 years will last me a lifetime.  The things he taught me about myself are amazing.  The endless hours of talking to me about how to raise Makenna will always stay with me.  I will do everything I can to carry on his legacy and life's journey with Makenna.  He will stay in my heart forever............

So...  numb.  Unable to feel.