Things are a changing.....

Yesterday was Makenna’s last day of kindergarten.  I realized that I started this blog on the day before she started school.  Wow…  what a fast and productive year it has been for our family.  Some things that have happened this year that have changed us:

-           Makenna started her school ‘career’ with one of the most wonderful teachers we could have ever hoped for.  I absolutely cannot praise Mrs. Bernard enough for the guidance she has given Makenna over the last school year.  She has truly taught her so much and taught me that I am indeed a good parent to an amazing little girl…  for this, I am immensely grateful.

-          One of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life died from a horrible illness that I will never understand.  I have realized that he was the closest thing I have ever known to a father and I still miss him more than I thought possible.

-          I opened up to my family about things that happened in my childhood that I had kept a secret for over 20 years.  Many times I wonder if this has helped or hindered me in psychological recovery and healing.

-          My wonderful husband received some very good legal news this year and a huge burden on our family was lifted because of this.

-          I graduated with my Master’s Degree (which I was convinced would never occur) this year and have decided to try my hand at a PhD…  we shall see next year how that it going. 
-          I have begun to question my faith this year and question why I believe what I was told to believe.  This next year, I will begin on a journey of reflection as to what this exactly means for ME to determine what I do believe.

That pretty much sums up our year…  it, for the most part, has been a great year and we are really looking forward to what the future holds for our family.  Brandon and I have some big plans in store for our family so stay tuned for that…..  Love.

Things I Know

I have been keeping a list of 'Things I Know' and have decided to share them:

1.  I have been given this wonderful family whom I have no idea what I would do without.  Brandon, Makenna and my mom are so incredibly precious to me.
2.  I have an awesome SMALL set of girlfriends that I wouldn't trade for the world.  Their love for me inspires me everyday to be a better person.
3.  I have truly accomplished more in my life than I ever thought possible and I have a few select people to thank for that.  I could not have done it without their encouragement and help.
4.  I have tried to be friends with a particular person and she is evidentally so stuick in her own crappy world that she refuses to accept friendship and this pisses me off.  :)  (Everything I said couldn't be all roses)
5.  Makenna and I butt heads so often because our personalities are exactly alike and, for the most part, I love it.  This shows me that she will be open-minded and independent when she grows up.
6.  Someone that I knew read my blog and sent me an email about something that I had written and I felt horribly violated (so if he is reading this again, don't do it again or I will hunt you down...  ok?)
7.  I am going to give this PhD thing my best effort BUT if it doesn't work out I won't feel defeated or like a failure.
8.  I have grown to despise closed minded people even though I used to be one.
9.  My music 'likes' change as often as I change underwear (and that is daily  :))

So long "20 effing 10"

I guess I am finally ready (and feel comfortable enough) to say goodbye to 2010.  This has, without a doubt, been the absolute, hands down worst year of my life so I was so glad to see it go.  I think it has taken me 19 days into 2011 to finally decide it was safe enough to bid it farewell just to make sure all the crappy things were finally over.  The year has FINALLY started off with some things positive (which my family desperately needed).  So...  hopefully 2011 is going to be a great year for the Smith family.  I promise to start blogging more because I have decided that I really miss it.  HELLO 2011...  Give me all the good things you have...  I am ready........  :)

I wish you all peace and love this new year (again, sorry I am a little late).  I am hoping to become a better friend this year to the ones that matter to me the most (love you girls). 

How to ask for a friend

I have had a rough couple of weeks!!!  I guess it all began at the beginning of September with the death of Mr. Mark.  I knew that this would be a very difficult time but had no idea the toll it would take on me.  As I said in my previous blog, Mr. Mark was a father figure to me!  He lived 900 miles away so it was rare that I was able to spend time with him but now knowing that he is not there breaks my heart.  I think of how hurt I am then I realize that he actually had children that must be missing him more than I am.  He was an incredible man and I wish everyone would have had the opportunity to know him. 

School is another area where I have recently had some troubles.  I thought I definitely knew what I wanted my thesis to be about but my advisor really does not think it is a topic for a masters level proposal (she thinks it would be a better fit for my dissertation).  So, she gave me some suggestions and I am just really not interested in them.  They are ok but nothing that I am really excited about.  So that kind of sucks!

I think the thing that has me in the worst mood (maybe it is just on top of the other things) is WORK.  As many of you know I work in research at LSU for the Department of Anesthesiology.  My "job" is to recruit research and studies for the physicians in our department who want to participate in research.  The thing is that NOBODY WANTS TO DO RESEARCH!!!!!!  Quite a dilemma you say.  So I have been told directly by the Chairman of the Department to basically just do what I want.  WTF???  So...  I do school work, I stalk random people on Facebook (not in a weird, stalker way but in a I am bored and need to see what other people do kind of way), I talk to friends on gchat, read all 4 Twilight books (definitely an Edward fan), etc.  Most people would say this is an awesome job!!!  Not so much for me...  I have found that I need stimulation, I need to learn and most importantly, I need to do something constructive with my time.  I have thought about looking for another job but I so desperately want this to work out.  I am concerned that if I find another job, I will feel like I failed at developing a research department for Anesthesiology.  And I have a horrible fear of failure.

So yesterday in the middle of me crying hysterically and hiding from the people who mean the most to me, I decided that I needed a friend.  As wonderful as my bestie is, she is 900 miles away and I felt like I needed face-to-face girl time.  How do you tell someone that you need a friend?  Is it something that you just say, like "Hey, I need to go to the bathroom!"...  do you just say "Hey, I need a friend.".  Seems kind of strange and desperate to me so I chose to not do that even though I wished I would have.  I am sure that if I would have, my mood would have drastically improved but I just could not seem so...  desperate and lonely.  Thankfully my mood is better today but in the future I want to know how to say that I am having a hard day and I need a hug.  Suggestions please???  :)

Numb:  adj;  lacking sensation;  deprived of the power to feel normally

A little story most don't know: 
My parents divorced when I was around 4.  Joint custody was awarded and I spent all but every other weekend with my mother.  Two weekends a month I would spend with the man that is technically considered my father.  For the most part, I liked being at his house because there was a fairly endless supply of "step-siblings" that I could play with.  Each time he would get a divorce from the "step-mother of the year", my heart would break because once again, someone was being ripped out of my life.

My father was a terrible alcoholic and at the age of 16 I decided not to have any contact with him (I am finding out that there were other reasons, but I will not go into that here).  I have NEVER regretted my decision.  It is the reason I am who I am, and why I am where I am.  I strongly believe that I am the person I am today because of the decision I made when I was 16.  I have never looked back.  My mother and I did everything on our own and for this I am immensely proud.

I guess you are wondering what the point is to this story?  There have been 2 men in my life that I would consider "father figures".  I met my father-in-law in 1998 when Brandon and I started dating and loved the way he welcomed me into their family.  When Brandon and I got married, Mr. Mike did a daughter dance with me to a special song that only was special to us.  I had decided that even though I really did not have a father, Mr. Mike would probably be the closest thing that I had and I kind of liked it.  I felt safe.

I met Mark Taylor through Andi Taylor (my very bestest friend) approximately 3 years ago.  Mr. Mark was Andi's father.  Andi had gone to her parents house in Georgia after Mr. Mark received a diagnosis of Stage 4 Gastric Cancer and while she was there our friendship grew so strong that we both knew nothing would break it.  Little did I know that during the time when I would gain the most amazing friend ever, I would also develop a relationship with the only other man who I considered a father to me.  I have been attempting to write this blog for about 5 days now and have struggled with how to describe Mark Taylor and adequately say what he means to me and my family.

First Encounter:  Andi and I went to Atlanta for a job meeting and decided to go a few days early to spend time with her parents.  They picked us up from the airport and I received a hug from this bald teddy bear who I just knew I would love.  We went to Stone Mountain, rode the duck boats (we all quacked our quacker things like dorks) and finally ate at a restaurant because they had banjo's playing outside.  I felt welcomed, loved and truly like whatever I said, mattered to him.

Them moving to Louisiana was when I really became close to Mr. Mark and Mrs. Margaret and allowed my family to as well.  We tended to spend most Sundays at their house for dinner and Makenna would often take baths there so when we got home all she had to do was hop into bed.  I can not count how many times Makenna begged to sleep with "Mitta Mark" (in her best southern draw).  Realizing that Louisiana was not home, they decided to move to Florida with Andi to be closer to their son/ brother.  While I completely understood the reasoning, I was devastated.  Like I had when I was a child, I once again felt like everyone was leaving me.  It took me several months to finally realize and accept that they were not leaving me but going home.  Mr. Mark's illness took a turn for the worse when they moved (I kept telling him that they needed to move back  :)) and the cancer became more aggressive.  I had the opportunity to take several trips to Florida over the last year to see him but perhaps my most memorable trip was on August 30, 2010. 

Andi called me on August 30th to tell me that her father was declining and she thought I needed to be there.  After hopping on a plane, I arrived in Orlando 11 hours later.  People seemed shocked that I was there with such little planning but I knew what this man meant to me and my family.  He was the good father I never had...  he was another grandfather to Makenna and a truly respected and loved man to Brandon.  I was able to hug him and tell him how much I loved him.  I told him that I thought of him as a father and how grateful I was to Andi and Grant for sharing with me. 

I have never and will never have another "father figure" in my life because I truly believe the last 3 years will last me a lifetime.  The things he taught me about myself are amazing.  The endless hours of talking to me about how to raise Makenna will always stay with me.  I will do everything I can to carry on his legacy and life's journey with Makenna.  He will stay in my heart forever............

So...  numb.  Unable to feel.

Which road will you take?

Monday will mark the beginning of my final semester at George Washington University.  With all fingers and toes crossed, I will graduate with a Masters in Health Sciences with a focus in Clinical Research Administration (whew, that is a mouthful).  With the beginning of my last semester, I have been seriously thinking about what I would do my thesis/ capstone/ proposal thingy on.  What exactly interests me and what do I want to change in the world of research and science?

I have excitedly decided to look at ethics in clinical research (yes, I am very much aware of my nerd status).  Specifically, ethics within the research setting at a particular institution.  When people think of ethics, they automatically think of what you should and should not do;  fairly cut and dry right?  WRONG!  Ethics, especially dealing in the medical setting, is so complicated and in depth that it is very difficult to muddle through.  So, with this in mind, I will give it my best and attempt to develop a medical ethics education class for all research personnel at LSUHSC.  Of course, I will not have to specifically implement this program but could if it was good enough.

With that being said, which road do you think you have taken in your life?  The High Road or the Low Road?  Are you happy with the road that you have chosen?  Is there anything that could have been done differently?  Would changing life paths have changed your life for the better?  For the worse?

As this final semester begins I know that I will have to lean heavily on my family and small group of friends to help see me through this time. It will be difficult but I know that with their help, I will be able to accomplish my goals and begin the next chapter in my life...  hmmm... wonder what that will be.  ;)

Chapter I: The beginning of kindergarten

So Makenna did indeed start school yesterday and I must say, I did well (oh, and so did she).  Brandon and I took her to school and helped her find her desk (front and center) and wondered when we should try to slip out.  After seeing some of the parents start to leave we decided now was our time.  Makenna started crying and holding onto my leg and her teacher, Ms. Bernard, saw us and came to the rescue.  She was crying when we left and of course that made me go out into the hall and cry too.  It is a very hard decision to make:  leave your child when they are crying and scared because you know it will be best for them in the long run OR keep your child at home with you forever and be arrested because you never sent them to school.  Decisions, decisions.  So, I feel I made the right choice (in the long run) by leaving her at school.  I went back to peek in the door several times throughout the day to check on her and each time she was smiling and playing.  Relief is an understatment.

All in all, I think it was a good day.  Not only a good day for her but also for me.  I realized again today that I have done something right in my life.  I often think that for my life to be a success, everything MUST be perfect.  Today I think I realized that perfection does not exist in the real world.  It exists in movies and books and we all desperately want that type of perfection in our lives but reality sets in and I have realized that perfection would get horribly boring.  And I don't like to be bored!